The Kellyanne Conway Files — Part 4
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January 20th, 2017.
Nicki Minaj’s “Feeling Myself” played as Kellyanne Conway readied herself for the historic day. Humming along to Beyoncé as she put on her outfit, Conway was convinced nothing would throw her. It was a day for making history after all. There was an unusual chill in the air that morning despite the fact that hell itself had all but engulfed Washington D.C. Kellyanne knew she had to be prepared to watch Donald Trump lie with a straight face as he took the oath later and figured being warm would help her maintain a straight face.
So it came to pass that Kellyanne Conway donned a $3,600 Gucci coat, a red hat and matching red gloves which clasped a red purse. The look would have no doubt made Paddington Bear blush. She was certainly feeling herself, however, the public was not. Trump hadn’t even told his massive lie yet and Conway’s phone was pinging left and right.
So far, Kellyanne had been compared to the Patriot’s logo, Paddington Bear, an American Girl Doll, the Nutcracker, a Hamilton cast member and a person with no soul. The last point was not debatable, not even Kellyanne would disagree there but she was nonetheless hurt. Why were people so mean? How could they? She was in the process of breaking the glass ceiling for women everywhere who wished to serve as the chief propagandist for the US President. SHE was doing that for THEM. Gratitude sure seemed hard to come by.
“I’ll show them,” she thought, scanning her Twitter mentions which now included references to FAO Schwartz, Napoleon and American patriotism on steroids. “It’ll get better,” she thought, realising that Trump’s Deplorables would show up and adorn the Washington Mall in full force. Sending Donald into the Oval Office just the way he’d like with people screaming and chanting was exactly what they both needed.
“Traffic’s pretty light, no?” George needled, as if he had a direct line to her most inner thoughts. “Not now!” She shot back. “I just need to pretend this isn’t going to immediately blow up in our — my face,” Kellyanne continued as she herself realised they had a problem with attendance.
George was scanning Twitter now. Sparing Kellyanne the fact that her coat was indeed everywhere, he focused instead on the DC Metro system which appeared to be trolling the soon-to-be-President. “Have you seen this? Ridership is waaayyyy down today, looks like. Bet Trumpy won’t like that, huh?” He elbowed Conway as he chuckled, looking to make light of the situation.
“You know what George? You’re an actual piece of shit, you know that? I can’t believe I can’t divorce you because we’re fucking Republicans and I’m stuck with you until at LEAST 2020 or whenever this nut-job’s impeached, whichever occurs first.” Conway was not in the mood but the problem was definitely on her mind.
She texted Steve Bannon who was at that point in time, housing a Five Guys double cheeseburger, leftover from last night’s binge.
Thoughts? He’s gonna freak about attendance. I just know it. — KAC.
Bannon was already on top of it. He’d send the miniature wind-up doll Sean Spicer out there to dance and shout at the media if steam picked up, which it did, quickly.
Conway didn’t feel great about his response. She sensed she’d have to get involved. A quick brainstorm was in order. She knew Trump would want answers as soon as he saw what was going on. He was OBSESSED with numbers. All the wrong numbers, she thought.
Kellyanne had recently developed a sort of immunity to acid reflux. It was her constant state, she thought as that morning’s orange juice suddenly returned to her mouth. She swallowed and while it didn’t exactly burn she knew the sensation wasn’t normal either.
“Do you think you’ll want to take a trip out to Connecticut on Sunday?” George asked, sensing his wife’s entire body tense up in the seat next to him.
Conway chortled back, “No? I’ll be on TV all day.”
“Honey, you’ve really gotta relax. You’ve gotta take it easy, you’ll have a heart attack before he’s impeached!” George responded trying to be helpful.
“OH that’s rich George, that’s really rich coming from you! Maybe in an alternate universe in an alternate life i’m sipping a Mai Tai on a beach somewhere right now…” Kellyanne stopped mid-sentence.
She then removed a glove and retrieved a pen and began writing a single item in her planner:
- ALTERNATE FACTS
She underlined it twice.
