The Kellyanne Conway Files — Part 2

Friday, December 16th, 2016.

It was still dark out when Conway awoke to start her day. “Here we go again,” she thought to herself. If she just made it, if they just made it through Friday, she’d have her weekend to recoup, to relax, to put all the bad deeds behind her. With scheduled appearances on Fox News that morning, Kellyanne saw nothing but clear skies and christmas shopping on the horizon.

Donald had recently suggested that staff buy the excess merchandise leftover from his campaign and give it away as Christmas gifts. “We can say Merry Christmas again folks! And nothing says Merry Christmas like a MAGA hat! Beautiful folks, really nice.” Kellyanne recalled Trump saying, though she didn’t recall ever being told she couldn’t personally say Merry Christmas. The staff was split on the issue. Of course Sean Spicer would buy hats and distribute to members of his family! He was almost too eager to accept Trump’s demand that they each purchase several boxes of crap that didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Not Kellyanne though, her husband George would not be caught dead wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat, no matter how Republican red he bled.

The Fox News make up room was slightly chilly that morning and as an assistant straightened her hair for that morning’s appearance, Conway thought, “well, this is the closest I’ll get to a hair salon in the next few weeks so I better enjoy this.” Unfortunately, a PA burst in and said, “Great, Mrs. Conway, we’re ready for you on set.” And with those words, Kellyanne’s plans for a drama-free weekend were dashed.

It had already been a busy week for Conway. Thursday had been bad, mostly because she had to go to bat for Trump and be the spin she wanted to see in the world. Her rivals cared less about spin though and more about cold, hard facts. Like a man who knows he’s only got a few days left at a job he soon has to relinquish to some idiot, White House press secretary Josh Earnest was clearly giving zero fucks. He’d taken the attacks against Trump to a new level. Trump knew about Russia’s plans to hack his opponent and openly encouraged it. “Maybe so, okay fine, definitely so — he even asked him in the last press conference he ever held. But not on my watch! This is the first presidential campaign I’ve ever won, I refuse to have some sort of asterisks attached to it,” she thought.

In her rebuttal and with a straight face, Conway sat down with the gang at Fox and Friends on Thursday and delivered the sickest burn she had spent several hours thinking of, “I guess he’s auditioning to be a political pundit after his job is over.” She didn’t give the barb much time to breathe — she never did. She knew she spoke fast but the business of spinning requires speed. She continued, “That is incredibly disappointing to hear from the podium of the White House press secretary. Because he basically — he essentially stated that the president-elect had knowledge of this, maybe even fanned the flames. It’s incredibly irresponsible, and I wonder if his boss, President Obama, agrees.” When everything failed, Conway always knew at the very least, somehow dragging Obama into things would make her boss happy. Obama’s approval ratings were through the roof. Trump’s were so low they were nearing the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno. She considered her job done and left wondering what normalcy felt like.

That week Conway’s Twitter mentions were a dumpster fire — more so than usual. “I’ve got to start laying the groundwork and I’ve got to start laying it now,” Kellyanne thought to herself. It was shit or get off the pot time, but with so much scandal still surrounding Trump, his campaign and frankly everyone associated with him, Conway knew she had to manage an exit from his orbit with grace. But with each passing day though, Conway also felt herself pulled further into Trump’s black hole. She needed to speak out and soon.

As Conway rode over to the Fox News studios on Friday morning, watching video footage of Hillary Clinton meeting strangers in the woods, an idea struck her. “FEMINISM!! That’ll be my defense. Hillary has done what she wanted for years and years and years and all in the name of feminism. I’ll do the same.” And with that, it was settled.

Conway followed the PA onto set for her first appearance on America’s Newsroom. The Russian thing was becoming a real problem, mostly in that people couldn’t stop talking about it — notably individuals from the Central Intelligence Agency and the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Kellyanne wanted everyone to shut up — mainly Josh if she was being honest with herself. She knew the Russian thing was wrong because it made her feel physically ill. She was a Republican but she wasn’t a Russian pawn, or was she? Kellyanne couldn’t figure it out but she went on TV to deny it all the same. It was her job.

When Martha MacCullum was done asking her question, the one Kellyanne knew was coming, she responded by doing what she knew best, spinning the question on its head and blaming Democrats. “If you want to shut this down and you actually love the country enough to have the peaceful transition in our great democracy between the Obama administration and the Trump administration, there are a couple people in pretty prominent positions, one is named Obama, one is named Hillary Clinton, since his people are trying to fight over her election still, they could shut this down.”

When she was done speaking, she felt a little piece of herself leave her body. It didn’t feel good. Blaming Democrats for breaking the government felt good, blaming them for what she knew deep down was not a partisan issue but actually a national crisis felt like the lowest she could sink. She knew it only felt like it was the lowest she could sink at that moment because a worse, and lower moment would surely surface before January 20th.

Waiting for her next appearance, Kellyanne felt no joy as she drank her coffee and she used to LOVE coffee. All she could think about was an exit strategy. Feminism still seemed like the only card she had to play and so she went with it. She called a producer at Fox Business. “Yeah, so I know you guys want me to talk about Russia. But I’ve got something better to talk about. Don’t worry, we’ll just discuss it on set.”

And so it came to pass that when asked about her hesitancy in accepting a role in Trump’s administration Kellyanne Conway looked directly into a camera and said, “I thought that women were a product of their choices and that’s what I’m trying to do here privately and quietly find the best balance for my family,” responding to Stuart Varney. Being Kellyanne Conway, she had to take it just one step further to really sell it.

She continued, telling Varney, “A lot of them who have attacked me are either childless interns born in the 1990s…or I noticed women who have cats as their Twitter pictures, so I’m not going to really just lose my mind over people attacking me in a 140 characters, I can assure you that.”

Except, she was, she was losing more of her mind than she cared to admit. Of course Conway had no idea of identifying exactly who these women tweeting at her definitely were but she had said it all the same. And in an anti-feminist move, she had disparaged cat women in the process.
Not one to dwell too much in the past, Kellyanne Conway thought of the future and hoped this was an important brick in the foundation of her exit strategy. Her children, her feminist choice to be a caretaker, that would save her…until the next election cycle came along.

On her way back to Trump Tower, she called George from the car, “It’s done, I’ve said it publicly. Now, I can start having the actual conversations.” “Wait, Kel, we haven’t finalized things, there could still be a lot of benefit to having a foot in the White House during his administration…” her husband responded. Kellyanne was white hot with a flash of rage, “You know what George? Then you take a job in his administration, you do that, kay? Let me know how far it gets you. Oh, by the way, figure out dinner yourself, I’m going to be late.” She hung up on George without waiting for a response. This whole feminist thing was really catching on as she wondered how many times Hillary had hung up on men during her political career.

With the diverse bodies that make up New York City streets flying past her, Kellyanne hung her head in shame. What had she done? She felt the sickness rising again. Getting out of Trump’s orbit would save her but it wouldn’t fix any of the damage that was yet to come for so many others. She was angry, her husband got to hear the hairy predicament she was in the few times a week they happened to catch each other in passing, and yet he thought it was a good idea. “Fuck that.” Kellyanne Conway thought to herself, she was done. It was time to get the fuck out.

The car stopped in front of Trump Tower but Kellyanne did not move. “We’re here ma’am,” said the driver. “I don’t care, drive around the block again,” she responded. She just needed a few more minutes to think.

Read more: The KAC Files-Part One